How To Start A Conversation With A Girl You Like

Approaching a girl and starting a conversation is one of the biggest problems for guys. In this guide I’m going to cover most important things to understand in order to overcome approach anxiety and easily start a conversation with a woman you like.

In this Narps.net guide I’m going to let you understand very important cornerstones, that helped me a lot to improve my conversations with women I really like:

  • what is approach anxiety and how to deal with it;
  • why eye contact is crucial element and how to use “laser eye contact”;
  • the 7 Steps Exercise Program;
  • how to start a conversation with a girl you realy like.

Approach anxiety – why does it exist?

Ihow-to-start-a-conversation-with-a-girlt’s 12:37, Tuesday afternoon. You are waiting in line at Starbucks. She’s standing right in front of you, looking up at the board trying to decide.

You are looking down at her long hair, her perfectly toned body, and her sexy high heels, trying to decide.

“Do I say something?” you think. “I have to say something. I will. I’ll just start flirting.”

“Are you insane!?!” a voice screams out in your head. “She’ll never like you. You can’t possibly get a girl like her. You better not even try, or you’ll just look like a fool. Everyone will see and laugh at you.”

Your decision has already been made, and just like the low man on the totem pole who never gets to choose what they bring back from Starbucks on lunch break, you didn’t even get to decide for yourself.

The decision is NO. And who made it?

That little demon in your head named Approach Anxiety.

That’s right. Approach Anxiety is a real thing. Like an entity of evil from old Dungeons and Dragons games, he’s the little imp who follows you everywhere you go. He perches on your shoulder and he sees the same girls you see. He whispers in your ear when you are trying to think of what to say and reminds you when you were a skinny kid in school with acne and a bowl cut.

He’s there when she’s there, and he never, ever ever shuts up.

Maybe you have a name for your own demon. If not, you should. Make friends wiht him, cos he’s there for life.

I know guys who learn all the techniques and strategies and killer lines for talking to women, and have bibles of wisdom in their heads, but still don’t get any better, despite all the time and energy they’ve invested.

What holds them back?

Fear. Pure and simple animal fear. There are valid reasons why you look at a pretty girl and immediately get a feeling in your gut like you are going to drop to the floor. A beautiful girl can knock you flat out.

But when you take that physical reaction and don’t understand how it really works, you end up carrying these giant bags of sand on your shoulders that drag you down and make it impossible for you to even walk.

You end up burdened, dragging, crippled. And if you’re not careful, you’ll end up alone.

There are over 20 million people in the U.S. alone who suffer from clinically-diagnosed social phobia. Drug companies make billions of dollars pushing meds that deaden reactions and make people feel like it’s OK to talk to a stranger. Hell, liquor companies make even more than that! And therapists spend countless hours every week trying to find the source of this anxiety.

You are not alone. Every single man who is good with women has dealt with the problem of starting a conversation with a girl he likes. Some did it when they were very young and learned how to thrive, and some learned through great coaching, and then their own carefully charted experience.

Approach anxiety is a monster, like Frankenstein. It is created out of parts of other things, and it is a powerful force.

But it doesn’t have to be a destructive force. It is an energy, it is power. It’s your juice, your fire, your mojo.

When you know the TRUTH about approach anxiety, you turn that monster into an ally.

I started learning about women over 20 years ago, and I was totally on my own. I thought that there was something really screwy and wrong with me when I got so nervous at seeing a girl that I couldn’t even walk towards her. I thought I was defective.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have saved years of pain and suffering trying to run through the brick wall head-first. I want you to do better than me.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing defective. You are completely and totally normal, and you are feeling exactly the way you are supposed to. So you can just power through it, right?

The Importance of Eye Contact

For most men, the very thought of going out and talking to new people shakes them like a wind in a tornado. They may be totally confident in their business, sports, school, whatever, but when it comes to meeting new people, well, that’s a different story. And I can relate. I’m not social by nature. I’m a reader, a writer, a loner. I like doing things on my own. I surf alone. I walk in the woods with my dog. I don’t like it when I find myself ambling the city streets without an iPod on and music to keep me company.

Alone, I rarely feel lonely. But alone I end up alone. So I knew that I needed to find ways to make contact with people in easy ways, step-by-step, and build up to conversations, full interactions, and develop the confidence in meeting new people and women the same way I built confidence in sports and in school.

You start with the fundamentals, and you build on them with more advanced skills as you develop competency. You don’t learn to shoot the three-pointer until you can make free throws.

When it comes to developing your social skills, there is one fundamental you need before you learn anything else.

Eye Contact.

If you spend a lot of time on your own, you may be missing out on the secret conversations going on around you ALL the time, especially between women. People talk with their eyes as much, or more, than they talk with their words. And you are going to miss this, and miss your chance to learn this language, if you do any of the following. Take this short quiz, and we’ll see how good you are at talking with your eyes.

Answer yes or no to the following questions. Do you ever…?

  • Wear sunglasses in public?
  • Look down instead of looking up?
  • Focus on what you are going to say next when in conversation instead of watching and listening?
  • Avoid eye contact with people?
  • Freeze up when you make eye contact instead of reacting?

Time’s up, pencils down. Please hand your work to the front of the room.

  1. Now the bad news. If you answered “yes” to ANY of these questions, you are falling behind your classmates (meaning all other dudes out there trying to meet a great girl) in this core class: Eye Contact Communication 101. They are out there every day learning more about women simply by keeping their eyes open and connecting with people they see than you ever would with an Alexandria Library full of pickup books. They are learning the way babies and savants learn.

It’s pure experience that bypasses logical thought and trains your body.

When you learn how to make and hold eye contact with people, you develop your senses and instincts for what they are communicating. We communicate constantly with things other than words. Our clothes, posture, expressions, expressiveness, and energy all come across to people who are finely tuned to pick it up. You have some of these instincts already. You know when a new person makes you feel uncomfortable. If you’ve ever had to interview a candidate for a job, you know that your instincts are what tell you who the right person is, not their suspiciously perfect resume.

Every day on the streets, on the train, at line for lunch, at work, and in the bars, you are surrounded by people, and by women, who are using their eyes to communicate. It’s the most fundamental way to start communicating back.

But there’s still something in the way.

Fear of looking to the eyes

I used to be afraid to look into women’s eyes. I know the feeling, even now. But then I started making myself do it. I can feel it when I do it right.

I look into her eyes and hold it there. I want to look away. It’s dark, with just the light of the full moon. I feel like I’m being rude, somehow, like I’m intruding on her privacy with this looking.

My brain is telling me to look away. But I shut it down and listen to my body.

Keep looking. 10 seconds, 20. I can see the light of the moon reflected in her eyes now. I see the color, the shape. Her eyes don’t stay still when I look in them. They move and breathe like the water on a still pond when you realize it’s not really still.

Now my chattering monkey brain is quiet. I’m not thinking about her, and not thinking about not thinking. And with that background noise shut off, I am suddenly aware of things I never noticed before. I hear her breathing slow and deep. I hear the hum of streetlights. Feel this surge, this closed electric current, between us, like a magnetic pull, or static charge humming in the air.

How did I never notice this before? It’s like I live my life with the television blaring and set to one of those local car dealer commercials where they crank up the volume a few extra decibels to snap you to attention and put you in crisis mode. My monkey brain is that blaring TV.

Now he’s finally shut up, and there are new sense opening up.

How have I missed this? This feeling? This sensation? This woman?

It’s been a minute now, and I can feel the smile on both our faces. I see everything now, and it’s in her eyes.

Peter Gabriel wrote the album “So” years ago. He was separated from his wife, and living on his own in a small farmhouse in England. The songs he wrote were passionate and romantic, and full of longing for days gone by. The album was a huge success around the world. But one song stood out, simple, powerful.

I used to listen to this song every day when I was 15, and blank TERRIFIED of talking to girls. I dreamed that someday I’d feel this magic that would pull me and her into another realm (yes, I was 15, and used words like ‘realm’), and away from the eyes and knowing looks of others.

How did I never notice this before? It’s like I live my life with the television blaring and set to one of those local car dealer commercials where they crank up the volume a few extra decibels to snap you to attention and put you in crisis mode. My monkey brain is that blaring TV.

Now he’s finally shut up, and there are new sense opening up.

How have I missed this? This feeling? This sensation? This woman?

It’s been a minute now, and I can feel the smile on both our faces. I see everything now, and it’s in her eyes.

Peter Gabriel wrote the album “So” years ago. He was separated from his wife, and living on his own in a small farmhouse in England. The songs he wrote were passionate and romantic, and full of longing for days gone by. The album was a huge success around the world. But one song stood out, simple, powerful.

I used to listen to this song every day when I was 15, and blank TERRIFIED of talking to girls. I dreamed that someday I’d feel this magic that would pull me and her into another realm (yes, I was 15, and used words like ‘realm’), and away from the eyes and knowing looks of others.

All my instincts, they return and the grand facade, so soon will burn without a noise, without my pride

I reach out from the inside

in your eyes the light the heat in your eyes I am complete in your eyes

I see the doorway to a thousand churches in your eyes

the resolution of all the fruitless searches in your eyes

I see the light and the heat in your eyes

oh, I want to be that complete I want to touch the light the heat I see in your eyes

Pretty effing sexy, innit? And this song describes exactly how you really want to feel. Complete. Listening to instinct. Real, with no facade, no fear.

But how can you do it?

Think about this. How much of your fear of approaching a beautiful woman has to do with the eyes. What if someone sees me? What if someone else is watching?

It’s a deep fear because it’s a deep need. We need to be seen as much as we need to be loved, and when we feel ourselves drifting away, it’s into invisibility. Check out Ralph Ellison’s book “The Invisibile Man.” He tells the story of a man who suffers the worst fate possible… he goes completely unnoticed, every single day.

Think of your fear of being seen talking to women, or worse yet, having HER see that you really like her. Got it? It’s nerve-wracking, right?

Hold it.

Now I want you to feel what it’s like to be ignored. I’m talking the silent treatment. When I was a kid, that was the only punishment that worked on me, and it’s still true. As nervous as I may get talking to people, especially sexy-ass women people, it’s NOTHING compared to the fear and anxiety I get when I’m being ignored.

We are supposed to look in each other’s eyes when we talk. We weren’t born wearing Reno 911 sunglasses. Our eyes communicate better than our words ever can, once we learn to trust them, and really see with them.

Go out today and look someone in the eye for 5 full seconds. Doesn’t matter if it’s a woman, man, friend or stranger. Just get into a conversation and for once in your selfish life, focus on THEM, not on your thoughts and feelings and fears.

Really look with your eyes. See what their eyes are telling you. You will be amazed, and a state of constant amazement is really the only way to live.

Eye Contact is, like Tim Duncan, The Big Fundamental.

In order to get good at The Big Fundamental, you need to put it into practice. So your first training exercise for Overcoming Approach Anxiety is a simple one. This is your Week 1 training program.

Exercise!

Go out every day and make eye contact with 5 women. Details:

  • How you do it is irrelevant. Be creative. If you want, say hello first to get their attention.
  • Who it is is irrelevant. You can make eye contact with the same 5 people every day. But you have to hold it and count it.
  • Eye contact does NOT mean staring blankly. Be sure to soften your face. No grimacing, no wincing in pain. Smile softly. Relax your face.
  • Look in one eye. Pick the person’s left eye, and look into it. Do not stare. Look closely enough that you can describe the color and the shape of their eye.

How to start a conversation with a girl and what to say

Start with simple openers like “Hi” (it works perfect) . But after that there is another common problem…I’m talking about running out of things to say.

Men get good at opening a group and getting women smiling.

But after that they understand they have to keep flirting in a fun and attracting way, and don’t know how to do it correctly.

The answer is called Relating.

Relating is a way of talking to people that gets them comfortable with you and trusting you. Like when you meet a new person, they share a little something about themselves you can relate to, and you think “hey, he seems like a good guy.”

That’s your goal with Relating. Just relate and let the girl think “he seems like a good guy.” Done properly, this makes it very easy to get to real conversations in one-on-one. So what are the keys to relating?

  • Always to make connections between you and her. “Yes and,” not “No, but”
  • Ask small talk questions
  • Listen to her response
  • Echo back her response, and either relate with something you know about it, or confess you don’t know about it, and ask what it’s like
  • Share your answer to the question and relate it back to her in emotionally relevant terms
  • Keep it fun!!!

Here’s an example using a standard Small talk question,

“Where are you from?”

She answers, “I’m from Tuscany.”

You reply with an echo back to show you listened to her answer, and invite her to share a little more.

“Oh, you’re from Tuscany. I know nothing about Tuscany. Is it a cool place? They have good ice cream, right?”

Now we take it a step further, Instead of continuing to ask endless streams of questions, you answer your OWN question and share something. You are bringing something to the conversatin. Have your answers ready to each of these questions. You answer is just a conversational thread that you relate back to her.

For example:

  • I’m from Tottenham.”
  • Huge fan of Spurs football club.”
  • They’re good, but they never ever win.”
  • Every year, I think this is the year.”
  • You know what it’s like when you keep hoping for something, even tho you know it will never happen?”
  • LET HER REACT
  • Like you’re waiting for your boyfriend to buy you a ring?”
  • That’s what it’s like, but its fun. like, every year, new hope.”
  • Every year, I wait for the ring, and I never get it, but I love them anyways.”

Now you are in a conversation, and talking about something you like. That wasn’t that painful, now was it?

About approaching and opening girls

Two types of markets:

  • Warm – women you know, or women who are friends of your friends
  • Cold – total strangers. Walk-ups.

And every variation in-between these two extremes.

Two kinds of approaches:

  • Direct – Revealing your sexual interest and intent right away
  • Indirect – Attempting to cloak your sexual interest so as to lower her defensive guard

Three kinds of approach situations:

“Single woman – alone

“Two or more women

“Women mixed with guys”

Two kinds of approaches:

  • Direct – Revealing your sexual interest and intent right away
  • Indirect – Attempting to cloak your sexual interest so as to lower her defensive guard

Three kinds of approach situations:

“Single woman – alone

“Two or more women

“Women mixed with guys

Simple Approach 1:

“Hey, I hate to interrupt you, but I just wanted to let you know that you have a really nice energy about you.” Finish with a lead-in open-ended question.

Simple start of conversation with a girl 2:

“Hey, are you single?”

If she says “No,” you ask with a smile: “Is it serious?” If she says “Yes,” move on.

If she says “Yes” – “Well, that’s great.” Continue with a contextual lead-in question.

If she asks “Why do you want to know?” – “I saw you standing here, and you had an energy about you that told me you wanted to meet a really great guy.” Smile, and continue with a contextual lead-in question.

Simple Approach 3:

“I just wanted to say hello. Are you friendly? /Are you nice to strangers?” Simple Approach 4:

GROUP: “I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Carlos. Is this a girls’ night out or are boys allowed?”

SOLO: “Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Carlos. Are you waiting on a friend?”

Gym Approach:

“Is that machine working all right for you?” ALTERNATE: “Is that machine good for legs/ abs/arms?”

Guys, I hope this guide will help you to start a conversation with a girl you are attracted to. Everything is in your hands. Go and practice, practices make perfect. If you like this article, please share it with your friends!