Ben wrote in and asked for a show on the all elusive “friend zone”. Specifically, he asked for 4 topics:
1 – How to avoid the friend zone altogether(really important)
2 – How to escape the friend zone if you end up there.
3 – Can you use the friend zone, and
4 – How to put someone in the friend zone if you need too.
So this episode is going to be all about the first topic.
Here are the basics of what we are going to be talking about…..
Like most common words in the ‘dating arena’, this is kind of a silly sounding word. “Friend Zone”, but you have to admit that it’s a pretty clear description on a pretty common phenomenon. And consequently it’s a really important topic.
Ok, this is really important stuff because…..
As with any really important topic, there is a huge mess of info that we can go into to dial things in for you, so we will see how far we get in the time we have. This might turn into a miniseries actually, because it’s really worth talking about.
Sometimes i take a moment to go over some events in recent dating that correspond to the show, but this time I think I am going to skip it for two reasons.
It’s been a little too long since last show (I got ridiculously busy with my business life with Christmas in the works… lots of planning and implementation are always needed for this time of year) and also (along the same lines) since I try really hard not to become a hermit and forget the point of it all, there has been a lot of dating going on in the spare hours and while it’s all interesting and fun, none of it directly correlates to the “friend zone”.
So, with that, instead of ‘this week in dating’ or whatever, I am going to substitute in “a touch of philosophy”, one of my long-term favorite subjects.
Now, to make sure I don’t bore the pants off of everyone, I’m not going to get too hardcore with it… Mainly just represent some of the solid empirical ideas throughout the episode as we move along.
Before we get going, I wanted to take a second and bring up a couple things….
One, a month or so ago one of our listeners wrote in after an episode about “becoming ravenous” and asked if I had read the book titled “practicing the power of now” by Eckhart Tolle, as it related to the episode (being able to get super engaged with the moment going on between you and her and let that situation rock for you) and I wanted to say both that I have now read the book and thanks for the recommendation. I thought it was a great read, and you are right. It was a great match for how to avoid a lot of “just get started” pitfalls we suffer from, and also because I think that in a similar way it applies heavily to this episode about the ‘friend zone’.
The premise of the book (Which I would definitely recommend to anyone who is into finding out how to eliminate the big ugly problems caused by our own personal “Ego”; Now that’s not the ego like jock or a jerk bag has an ego. They are exhibiting what I would prefer to call “purest assholism” which is commonly misinterpreted as Ego… This is about the ego as it is defined philosophically: As in, the Id, the Ego and the Super Ego. – Go nab it from Amazon store if you’re in to this).
The reason I bring it up here is that it speaks very loudly to a topic that is super important to the basic calculations we need to consider when talking about the “friend zone”. Here’s a brief explanation of what I mean by that:We are all conditioned to think in terms of the past, present and future. (No brainer for sure)
But the problem occurs when this (what I call) “Programming” has a seen or unseen detrimental effect on our goals. Now, I bring this up not to talk about what we (like you or I) can do about it for ourselves. If you are interested in that bit, just go nab the relevant episode of CDT. 🙂 I bring it up because it plays a huge part in the psychology and mindset of the female in question when we are talking about the “friend Zone”.
The female brain is more like a rubix cube than anything else that I can think of, and I often like to describe the quandary of dealing with the female psyche as “approaching the rubix cube”. Her psyche has a couple of very simple axis’s upon which it spins… and to master lining up the rubix cube, we need to apply ourselves to knowing how the thing moves around.
It’s a great book for that, and we will talk about some of the principals in it as we move through the episode, mostly in the “explanation of why” the cube (or female psyche) moves the way it does. But for now, I want to move on to the second “touch of philosophy”.
The friend zone is, by the best definition I can throw out:“A space in the female psyche where she does not consciously own the idea of a sexual connection with you or I.”
Now, that’s my best definition, you will definitely find different ones out there. Most of them are completely egocentric, and I think that that’s a big, basic flaw that does not help us play with the rubix cube with the female psyche. We need grease for gears to move around in the female psyche, and possibly some WD40 for cold starts. So the second “touch of philosophy” is about the grease that lets us get the cube moving.
So, with no further ado, let’s get on to our topic.
Question 1 from Ben: How to avoid the Friend Zone.
This is a huge and important topic, because if you never end up in the friend zone, you never have to “get out of it”, which can be a pain in the butt. (Usually a very worthwhile pain in the butt if you succeed in doing it, because anything hard earned is well appreciated for sure – but a pain in the butt nonetheless).
So let’s skip it k? Let’s not get into the friend zone. Let’s avoid it.
So how do we avoid the friend zone from the get go? Great question.
First we should probably ask: “What is it that causes this to happen in the first place?” or in other words, what causes the rubix cube to be aligned against us from the offset, right?
The answers can take any of the following basic forms in the female pre-dispositions or ‘factors’ that are involved in female disposition.Physical, (good or bad) and by good or bad what we mean is, protecting something important, or protecting “against” something, so let’s leave it as a stand in for “good or bad”. She would either be protecting something important, or protecting against something that is in her opinion negative.
So moving on we had Physical (good or bad)
Spiritual, (good or bad)
Psychological, (good or bad)
Emotional, (good or bad)
These are the four basic factors on this side of the rubix cube.
Here is a brief example of a situation I was in the other day (last night actually). It relates to the psychological factor we just mentioned. It’s not so much about the friend zone, as it is about avoiding the friend zone. It may or may not make sense from the get go, but it will integrate really well. But I think you will agree that maybe it’s a good illustration of approaching the rubix cube (which is what this is all about in the end).
Now, this was not an example of anything to do with “the friend zone”, but would you say that I am in danger of ending up in the friend zone?
It probably seems like “Sure man, whatever. How often do we really end up in conversations about a girl and her sexual needs or whatever?”But this is the basics of rule number one for avoiding the friend zone.There are only a few absolute rules in my opinion, btw. And if you don’t violate any of them you will NEVER be in the friend zone. Ever.
Before I list these off, I want to describe the theory here.
Let’s examine the rubix cube for a second.
It has six sides, each of which is a different color. Each color represents a critical part of a woman’s psyche.
Instead of going into what each of these colors is for now (because this episode would get prohibitively long), I just want to point out that one of the sides (let’s call it “blue”) represents her “sexual desire”, ok? Got it? So… with that in mind, everything we are about to discuss has only one goal for the purposes of the friend zone.
In fact, everything we will talk about with the “friend zone” is like this. Avoiding it, escaping it, using it, and so on. So here are the basic unbreakable laws that govern staying out of the friend zone. (Note: this is not about execution specifically; there are other episodes for that. It’s about what to do and how it works).
But again the point here is getting BLUE on her cube for you. The more blue the better. The uttermost goal is to cover the entire “sexual attraction” side of her cube with blue for you, but I want to point out even one square on that side of that cube will work. Just one.
Ok. Here we go.Immutable law number one!1. Make DEAD certain that during your interactions with women that you discuss the forbidden topic of sex – in a way where you have one or all of the following going on:
In this topic of discuss the forbidden topic of sex, there are two things:You pair yourself with her in the conversation.
This can easily be done indirectly, or along with other stand ins.
Example: Now let’s say that you had this problem with an ex boyfriend, or husband or myself, or any random guy, ok? Pair yourself with her in reference to forbidden topic. It is done indirectly so that you are not the focal point of the pairing. Make sure you are in it for the comparison.
This places you on the cube no matter what. And because it was not threatening, it cannot possible fall into any of her cubes “pre dispositions” categories of protecting “against” (whatever it is she may have going on) no matter which category that ‘protecting against’ might be in, this works out just fine.
2. Exhibit helpful expertise in the subject(sex exploration, sex subjects, any sex subject matter at all)In this case you will want to keep yourself COMPLETELY out of context with her. This again serves to avoid the “protecting against” issue. An example of this would be something like:
“I used to have this sort of issue with an ex of mine. I really wanted to make sure she was happy with herself and with our sex life, so I did a bit of homework and the experts say this….. What do you think about that?”
Now what this does for us is again, it puts us on the cube in a bunch of really good ways. (i.e. she now knows that she can discuss this sort of thing with you. She now knows that you are both willing and able to get her to new sexual heights and experiences, etc, etc.Immutable law number two!Make DEAD certain that she knows that many other topics/concepts/ideas are more important to you than “sex”.
This should not be hard to do for the “good guys”, because frankly, sex is just one facet of interaction with a woman, and with life. I love sex. I make that completely clear. But I also talk about art just as enthusiastically; the same with music with the same sort of fanaticism; the same with philosophy, and any other thing that gets me off psychologically. With that in mind, here are the basics of rule number two done:
Do not dwell on the sex topic. She needs to see that your personal interests and your shared/mutual interests make you drool just as much as a sexually loaded topic.
This implies a number of really cool things (on a conscious and subconscious level), and by doing so puts another blue square on her cube:
It implies that you are not specifically fixated on sex. That’s a turn off to pretty much any woman who is worth a shit.
It demonstrates a high level of engagement with both her, and with your own “ownership” of your life. It’s EXTREMEMLY difficult for a woman to not be attracted to this. (In fact, I have never witnessed it not being the case)It is a strong indicator of personal potency. This is ridiculously important, because it is THE cruxal, fundamental sexual attractor for women. In fact, out of any single item that will cover a woman’s rubix cube in blue squares for you, this is the one that will get it done.Now, I want to pause and reiterate that step two WILL NOT work without step one.
The reason is that is it entirely possible for a woman to develop huge respect for you when she becomes witness to your personal engagement, ownership of life, and personal potency as we have discussed, without having this be attached to a sexual attraction.It is still definitely “possible” for her to link these things to sexual attraction… but we are not looking for “possible” here. Use law one in conjunction with law two. Please please please, do not ignore law one.Immutable law number three!Discover what her cube wants to protect. What is her psychology want to protect? What keeps blue squares off of the rubix cube?
This is not as easily done as laws one and two, because it requires us to delve not only fun / explorative subjects, but also sometimes to delve into less fun contexts. Here is an example of this:
We have four categories that a girl will unconsciously try to protect.Physical, Emotional, Psychological, and Spiritual.
Now, I want to pause and mention that a girl has every right to protect these things. She has every right to be cautious with them too. Otherwise they would be getting walked on by jerk bags right and left. In fact, that is exactly why she has these protections in place. She has had experiences with jerk-bags out there that caused her to develop this ‘protection programming’. It’s our job as the good guys to not even worry about that predicament at all. And to show them what a droolingly good conversation about sex (or a ridiculously good experience with sex) can and shouldbe like. Just like it’s our job to get just as excited about the other aspects of life that we are ‘all about’ with her, as mentioned in ‘immutable law number two’.
But again, to break the blockage/or programming that the jerk-bags have installed and get more blue on her cube, it’s helpful to decipher what the blockage is.
Here is the practice for this. It’s really short, simple, and easy to do, and really effective as well:
Let this ‘deciphering’ become part of the content contained within laws 1 and 2. This is a very natural way to go, and will allow you to go move back and forth into and between topics that are both comfortable and fun. You can explore what her cube wants to protect without any danger whatsoever.
Now, if you want to get really hard core on this law, I want to give you an amazingly solid resource outside of Narps Dating Tips. Check out the following book which is totally worth to read:Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
It’s about 9 bucks on Amazon last time I checked, and I’m sure you can get it elsewhere too. It has a history of being pretty revolutionary to those who read it. Anyway, it’s totally worth the read. And since your one of the good guys, you will love it for sure.
Anyway, we are running out of time, so here is a quick recap, followed by a quick request:
This episode has been about the first question asked by Ben who wrote in about the various facets of the ‘friend zone’.How do we avoid the friend zone???
The three immutable laws of avoiding the friend zone are as follows:1 – Make sure your interactions with her include sexual topics.
From light discussion to intense discussion, make sure to fit it in. Make sure to keep it consistent so that it’s always in there somewhere. This will make sure you don’t miss out on your blue square on her rubix cube.2 – Make DEAD certain that she knows that you get just as droolingly (and i use that word because it’s damned illustrative of how into things you can get), just as droolingly engaged in your non sexual topics as you were in the sexual topics.
This demonstrates “life ownership” and “personal potency” while avoiding the idea that discussion of sex is a “fixation”.3 – Whenever comfortable, seek out and be genuinely helpful with any blue-square-blockage that you find in her programming.
She will inevitably appreciate this, and it helps ensure serious long term trust that can be otherwise hard to come by.
So there they are. I hope that that is super useful for you.
And now I have one request, if I may.
I was checking out the Narps Dating Tips feed on Itunes (where you can see the episodes and leave comments) and as it turns out, the questions and feedback are mostly coming in on the CDT site via posts or Email, and the only comment on iTunes is a guy who I believe is commenting on episode #1 (the first one we had ever done that was kind of all about why in the world would you listen to the show?).
Anyway, it would be awesome to have some feedback on the audio iTunes feed from you, since you have listened to the “content episodes” instead of just the introduction episode.
So, right. Here is my request:
If you have a sec, please go throw some feedback for everyone there in the audio CDT space in Itunes. Just type Narps dating tips into the iTunes search field and click on us, you can throw down your feedback right there, and I would appreciate the hell out of it 🙂
So! that will conclude this first part of “Annihilating the friend zone” here at CDT, and I’ll see you guys on the next episode for part two where we’ll address the next question in the lineup! 🙂 🙂
Guys, love ya. Best of luck.