Let me start things off by saying that I truly believe anyone and everyone can find someone they can vibe and connect with on a romantic level. Through countless conversations, I’ve noticed the theme of some friends and acquaintances acknowledging how difficult it is to meet someone who is “normal”, fun and interesting, and this has popped up more and more often. These people who I’ve talked to honestly believe that they can’t meet someone to the point it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy – self-sabotaging even.
It’s not like they have any so-called “handicaps”. They’re intelligent, attractive, and leading rewarding careers. But somehow it’s been so long since they’ve really hit it off with someone, they’ve forgotten what it like, such as feeling the excitement of seeing someone again after meeting him/her for the first time. And if you believe something enough, it will somehow manifest itself into reality.
I wracked my brain around this for quite some time now and I’ve come up with some thoughts, resolutions and an action plan for those who are inclined to take the first steps in getting this part of their life handled.“This is horse shit, Will! How do you know about my situation? Do you know how hard it’s been?!”
Look, I’m not discounting how challenging or difficult it may have been for you, rather I want to open up this conversation and get you thinking about your situation a little differently and through an empowering frame of reference. I’m not a qualified relationship expert, dating coach or anything along those lines. However, I’m a former hapless and loveless nerd/geek who came full circle and asked the really excruciatingly difficult questions about myself (the kind that brought me down to my knees and in tears). It took a while to understand what it would take to get my love life and life in general handled.
It’s easy to be cynical when you’ve been burned more often than you’d like to admit to yourself. In a society that’s so driven by instant-results, instant-happiness, instant-noodles – this instant gratification obsession and insanity needs to stop. Now.
For those who know me, they know full well that I’m not about instant results or trying to use that new “twirly-swirly” technique that you read in a bullshit Men’s or Women’s magazines or Men’s Help/Pickup Forum. Techniques or methods have their place, and can help treat symptoms, but don’t get the real reasons why you’re not attracting people into your life naturally for who you are.I’m about asking difficult questions and discovering what’s limited you in the past and using that knowledge to catapult yourself beyond those limits you were previously unaware of.
The more you discover about yourself, the more you know what you’re truly capable of. This would be the first step in developing “inner game” – the rock solid confidence in knowing what a fantastic catch you are and the beauty and fun you can bring into a relationship.
You can look at it this way. If it was really important to you and you wanted to find a “partner in crime” so-to-speak, wouldn’t you do anything and everything in your power to make it happen? I’m talking about your best friend, lover and life-partner here. I’m talking about living life by YOUR standards, taking action and taking your own happiness into your own hands and doing something about it.
Where should I start?
For one thing, even though this may be a bit counter-intuitive, hear me out – don’t focus on dating. Focus on whatever hobbies you’re extremely passionate about and the things, places and activities that make you truly and deeply happy. If you’re not happy and content with yourself, how else do you expect to naturally meet people and attract them to you? If you don’t have a hobby or a passion, now would be the time to explore and develop them as well as yourself.
If you were to take one thing and one thing only from this article it would be this:
People like people who are happy and are passionate about what they do. How much more pain do you need or want to endure? How far would you go?
It’s so easy to complain about what life hasn’t given to you, your so-called weaknesses, your job, love life, or how you got shitty service at the restaurant you tried out last weekend. To put it bluntly, too many people complain about why they’re not in a fruitful and fulfilling relationship when they’re not looking at the root of the issue – their beliefs.
When you critically analyze your mindset and beliefs when it comes to your love life (or any area of your life for that matter), you can discover what it takes to overcome the problems you’ve had before. You move away from that pain and towards fulfillment (or pleasure). It’s not easy, but is truly worth it.Exercise: To have this really stick, lock yourself in your bedroom, close your eyes and imagine as vividly as possible all the pain you’ve endured because of failed relationships, breakups and heartache. Now think about how much you’ll have to endure year after year living in loneliness and misery if you DON’T do anything at all to change your attitude. You’ll find that just from this exercise alone you’ll want to do something immediately. I suggest doing any of the items listed below and most importantly, the first step is getting this area of your life handled – once and for all.Here’s a list of things you can do to take action immediately:
Tap your network of friends and family so they can leverage their networks in helping you meet new people, since they know you the best and are willing to go out of their way to introduce you to people they know would be good for you.
Start or continue going out to events and socialize. You never know who you will meet
Take on new activities, hobbies, sports leagues, etc…
Online dating (the stigma has long-eroded and if you’re in a time-crunch this can still work)
Speed Dating (once again, you’re being exposed to a good amount of people)
Social/Dating Coaching/Matchmaking services (yup you can hire experts or even outsource this part of your life) –> you’ll probably get the fastest and best results this way.
Working out/Train some for something like a marathon or MMA
A total makeover (haircut, wardrobe and all)
Doing your homework (reading blogs of dating experts, books on personal development, relationships spirituality, etc.)
Once you begin taking the steps to taking the reigns of your dating/love life, you will begin to feel empowered. It’s human nature to move away from pain and as a result move towards pleasure. Some useful tips might be to keep a journal or log of what your progress has been like and having some close friends or mentors for support through challenging times and to keep you accountable with your head held high.
I’m not going to try to sugar coat the fact that it will take some real effort and patience. If this were easy, everybody would be happy, in love and have their lives in perfect balance. I know for a fact that you’re sick of the pain you’ve held for so long before and just want to let it all go! You’re not a person who lives for mediocrity. Do you want to live out the rest of your days alone or with someone who is passionate about you and inspires and encourages you to become better and to grow together?
What do you think has held or is holding you back?